Journal of J

Alfred D. Souza. He said: “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin — real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

So with the good comes the annoying. 

The good is that I have lost one of my kids.  No I mean their weight off me, not literally my child is missing.  Less of me is a good thing.  I am a healthier me. 

The annoying is that I now have odd sizes.  There are things I would wear if they fit.  They don’t at least not without whatever JLo had holding that green dress on and a belt.  Some of them I really like.  I guess I will have to do what I have been avoiding doing in my kids closets.  Going through clothes.

Why is going through clothes so annoying?  Maybe it goes back to that day in mid- summer.  It had to be mid summer or at the very least the hottest day of the year.  Then your mom makes you put on the warmest itchiest sweater  you own just to find out if it fits or not.  Then in spring she picks a day that is way mild and sunny making you think it is possible to wear them soon only to find it is too cold to even think about wearing shorts.  There you are trying on the shorts you dream of wearing cuz you are sick of winter only to get them on and freeze.  Then be told you can’t wear them.  Maybe it is th humiliation of trying something on only to find it doesn’t fit. Too big.  Too small.  Too much flab.  Or what was I thinking when I bought this?  

What ever it is I have been avoiding my closet.  So far rather sucessfully I thought.  The problem is when I need to go some where I can’t just grab anything.  I don’t really want to wear my old baggy tees.  I can’t wear some of the larger nicer shirts with out looking odd or risking some exposure.  Sort of a revealing gunny sack thing. 

So I will have get out the cat walk and model my closet.  Weed through and thin out.  Maybe it will inspire me to do the same with my kids’ clothes.

Hey it just might have a good thing attached to it.  The "I have nothing to wear so I have to go shopping" spree.  Hmm could be a good enough thing to pencil in my schedule.  Now if I could just dive into that closet.

Oh and thanks mom for making me try on things as a kid so you’d know what to get me to keep me in clothes.  Even though I complained the whole time.  

Today was a good day.  Odd though.  I didn’t wear any green, at least not for the first half.  The last half only sort of thanks to a multi- colored shirt.  Oh well.  Happy St. Patrick’s day anyway.

I did well this week and finally made it to my next 5 lbs.  Woo hoo! I am very happy.  I hope my next 5 comes soon.  One year, one month and two days since I started.  I am much healthier than I had been.  I am more concious of my choices.  Sometimes they are tough and some times I go over board.  I always come back to it because I know it works.  So yay me.  It feels good to be here.  Maybe I can lose a few more before that wedding.  Wouldn’t that be great.  A nice birthday present to me.  Yay Me!

I have always liked March.  I am not totally sure why.  Maybe it is my Bday.  Maybe cuz the weather is fun- not really spring yet, but not really winter.  Maybe because cool things happen to me in March.  Maybe because I like St Patrick’s day.  You wear green and pinch people who aren’t. (At least you did that in school.)  People are happy.  Yet there isn’t the guilt of gift giving.  I don’t drink often- green beer seems kind of odd.  The green bread I saw tonight seemed worse. Ick.  Well for whatever reason… March has been good to me.

Update on Dodger.  He’s doing well- now if he’d just take his medicine.  His cut is icky.  It is in a bad spot and it is deep.  Was neat to see it.  I am glad he’s a mild mannered horse.  As it was he almost knocked my son over twice unintentionally.  He was curious and looking for treats.  He misses being with his buddies and is a bit antsy being in a smaller pen.  I hope he heals fast.  Especially since mud season is coming and it will be hard to keep his foot clean and bandaged.  Sad but I usually wish for spring.  This year I am happy to keep winter for a little while longer, just for Dodger.  Is that love?

I hope my little dinner party goes well tomorrow.  Gotta love getting together with family.  I hope I am ready and can just be and enjoy.  I like cooking for a group.  It is something I have done off and on for years.  I am getting better at it.  Not always good at timing things and sometimes I miss visiting when I still need to get things ready.  I always enjoy the "that was good" comment.  Perhaps we can get in a game or two.  That is always fun.

…yet.   Sure has felt like a Thursday though.  I don’t know why but my mind has been thinking Thursday and of Thursday’s usual plans.

For us Thursday is Lynn’s last work day of the week.  So after the kids are tucked in we can have some us time- watch a movie- whatever and stay up a little later since an early wake up call isn’t going to occur.  I think I am looking for a little adult time with my hubby.  Since Lynn works this Friday it will be an early Thursday. 

But it is still Wednesday.  

We ate at the local cafe for supper.  Awesome small town burgers.  I do like having the night off.  I think the kids were a bit out of sorts.  We had several melt downs.  I am not sure why.  I hope they get a good nights sleep- I think that will help at least.

I am writing in purple.  My daughter’s favorite color.  My Oldest son’s too I believe.  A little tribute to them.  My favorite color is blue.  My middle baby’s favorite.  So I will probably end up writing in blue more than all the other colors.

I don’t have a lot of impressive things to day today.  Talked to my Dad, sister and hubby.   Dodger, my Dad’s blue roan got an injury. 3-4" long 1- 1 1/2 inch deep cut on his right rear leg.  It is sore.  He limped on it as I led him from the water trough last night.  He seems better today Dad said.  Still favoring it.  Last summer Dodger  Got kicked on his right front leg.  Took the last half of the summer to clear it up and there still is a good sized lump.  Poor baby seems injury prone.  It is just that he’s got a jealous pasture mate.  Tommy.  I’m to help re bandage Dodger’s leg tomorrow.  I hope it goes well.  I am curious about the cut.  Wonder also how I will do.  While I am interested in injuries I also am a wimp.  I have been known to get light headed and nauseous when viewing such things.

My sister is getting a new job.  She is in te transition period.  resigning from her old job and signing contracts for her new one.  I wish her the best with the new job.

Sun is shining. 

Snow is melting. 

What could be better especially here in the artic north waseland?  How bout waterproof kids to go with it?  Seems they get drenched this time of year.  And if you’ve had kids you know dealing with wet gloves is a pain when there is just snow.  Now when there are delightful puddles to play in- well it is just a cold swimming pool waiting for a kid to dive in.  So they try not to dive but you know some how they will get wet.  So comes the drying off.  Snow pants, gloves, boots and boot liners are all lined up by registers, tumbling in dryers or crammed with a hair dryer in effort to get them ready so you can send them out to play again. 

Now when they come in you get the lovely aroma of…   well I figure it has to be akin to the ‘hockey gear stench’.  Thankfully I don’t fully know that stench.  If it is anything like boot stench I will take boot stench.  I can just barely handle boot stench.  That is why I wash and dry my kids boot liners.  Yes I worry that they will disintegrate, but I’ll take my chances.  I even add extra dryer sheets to that load.  I know feet stink.  It is their nature.  It is my nature to keep them from making the entire house smell like feet.  I prefer not to get knocked off my feet by feet smell.  I’d rather my hubby knock me off my feet with a kiss.

So bring on the melted snow, slushy streets, murky mud puddles.  I can take it.  Don’t you just love spring?!!?

So why haven’t I had my annual green things craving?  Am I getting them in my diet so I don’t need them in my surroundings?  Oh well there has to be another cold blast or snow storm coming to knock us out of our spring fever.    

Well my friend’s shower went well.  At least I thought so.  She got a few gifts, saw a few friends- the old eat drink and be merry.  Though I don’t think things are as merry as they appear. 

She’s been my friend for a long time.  I am not sure I really want to do the math to figure out exactly how long.  Time changes some things but others remain the same.  We used to be pretty close.  She was over every day afterschool and of course there were those hour plus phone calls where we’d discuss everything and nothing.  Like girls do.  Between growing up, marriage, moves, children and all those other life events that just happen I had thought we’d drifted apart.  That we’d become good aquaintances, people we could hang out with on occasion but never really delve into those intimate details that a really good friend is privvy to.  But I am good at underestimating people. 

Guess that is why I like the lines from "Pretty Woman"…

"It’s just that most people don’t suprise me." 

"Well, you’re lucky.  Most of them shock the hell out of me." 

Anyway, I was fortunate enough to have time alone with my old friend.  Apparently she isn’t the blisfully happy bride that is expected.  She’s a stressed bride.  She’s also the same old friend sharing all kinds of details that shock me.  I always try hard not to be shocked.  Try to stay composed and supportive, after all I am a friend.  Things like health and feelings and thoughts, situations with parents and family that are less than desirable.  As usual I listen, offer what I think might be some helpful supportive comments and mostly listen.  Sometimes it is that I can’t believe what I am hearing so am dumb struck.  After all am I the only one who hears these things?  Am I her only confidant?  Does it get bottled up only to come flooding out when I am around, only to sweep me away in a torrent of amazing and frightful things?  I hope not.  Isn’t that what a psychologist is for?  Or at least better friends than I?  Do I bring this out in her?  Does she think I need to hear it?  I am a friend so I do hear it and then carry what I do remember home to try to sort out.  Sometimes I wonder if there is fiction in what she is telling me.

I don’t contact her much if ever.  I am not someone she usually calls.  So when she does call it is usually big.  The last call was about her engagement and upcoming wedding.  Her plans, nerves and all the details came spilling out then too.  I can never keep it all straight.  I can never remember which happened when or any of the intimate things that she floods me with.

I was reminded of why I am not a better friend.  I don’t even think I am a good friend.  Sometimes her comments are very hurtful.  I think this is so since we aren’t in close contact.  It seems to me a good friend can tell you hurtful things and still not hurt you.  I don’t think that she is close enough to ask bluntly if I am considering a boob job.  My DS was about a year and I was at her baby shower.  Her baby was in NICU- born premie therefore I don’t believe she nursed him.  I had nursed my child and was perhaps just finished nursing if not still nursing.  As anyone knows breastfeeding does a number on you.  At least it did me and being well blessed anyway I could have loaned out a lot.  A boob job?  Really!  Not something you just blurt out or even dare ask. 

So then there is her latest comment.  She was telling me about her dress and that it has a bustle and that she got a picture taken of the back and wondered why she had a picture taken of her ‘big butt’.  Her words.  So then she was telling me that she had to order it and that they charge more for plus sizes like us.  Ouch.  Like us.  I was offended but didn’t say anything.  I am currently in the lovely bermuda triangle betwen sizes.  Where the plus sizes are too big and the regular sizes are too small.  Where an XL stands a shot at fitting- maybe.  I have lost 30lbs in the last year. Thank you very much.  It just burns me.  I should have said that I lost.  I just really want to do a Linda Hamilton and be all termiantor 2, only at the Oscars in a great dress not battle mode, when I show up at her wedding.  To me there is a big difference between she and I.  I am less gal and thankfully so.  Besides commenting on someone’s weight is impolite- unless you are in that intimate friend status and even then it is a dangerous topic.

I guess some of the frustration stems from the fact that she used to be the one to drag me all over town on a bike or walking to stay in shape when she was the tall string bean.  I being short had to work harder to keep up with her.  Yes she was nuts then.  So what happened to that string bean?  I also should have remembered that she didn’t censor herself then. 

All I know is that I wish her a wonderful happy marriage.  Maybe she will be better.  I also know I need to be on guard for comments out of left field.  I have never been good at recieving them.  I always wish I had an answer for unwanted comments.  Only I want the shut them up for good type. 

Now pass the carrots and the dumb bells.  I have a wedding to go to.

Well for some lame reason I deleted my first post.  UGh. Seems like my week has been going this way.  I keep plugging along hoping for the best and well screw up some how.  I guess the plus is that I haven’t given up yet.  Though I am thinking about not contacting the rest of the world for a while.  I think it (rest of world) would be better off not contacting me for some time.  See then my chances fo screwing up are less.  Nothing to do - nothing to screw up.

See my original post talked about how I went shopping for a wedding and shower gift.  For some reason that makes me crazy.  The bride to be gets to register for a ton of gifts that range in any price range and expect to get it.

I am bummed that I deleted my first post.  It was good.  Well better than this.  Oh well. 

One thing this screw up does quite well is procrastinate.  I think it is genetic.  But that can’t be proven til they find the specific gene.  Maybe it will be a treatable disease by then.  I don’t intentionally procrastinate.  Some things are just ‘out of sight’ so then they are never dealt with.  OK yes there are some things that I just doing want to deal with.  Call it self preservation.  Oh well it is just one of the things that makes me a big screw up and something I will have to remedy.  The amazing thing is that there are things I am very on top of.